![]() And if all that weren't enough, a toxic friendship can also drain you and make you doubt yourself.Īndrea Bonior, PhD, is a clinical psychologist based in the Washington, DC area and the author of three mental health books, including The Friendship Fix: The Complete Guide to Choosing, Losing, and Keeping Up With Your Friends.Įrin Miers, PsyD, a is a clinical psychologist, a consultant for parenting website Mom Loves Best, and an Instructor in Psychiatry at Dartmouth Geisel School of Medicine. You can tell a friend is toxic when they "cause stress and sadness or anxiety" and "doesn't help you be who you want to be," she adds. ![]() But generally, a toxic friendship "emotionally harms you, rather than helping you," says clinical psychologist Andrea Bonior, PhD, author of The Friendship Fix: The Complete Guide to Choosing, Losing, and Keeping Up With Your Friends. This kind of friendship has a tendency to sneak up on people because the signs are often subtle. ![]() If you're starting to feel like your "bestie" is no longer the best thing for you, chances are you're in a toxic friendship. But even with the best of friends, it becomes difficult to overlook an increasingly frequent pattern of more toxic traits, like making passive aggressive comments, lying, and putting you down. But make no mistake, when I get up to that altar, I’ll make it crystal clear to every witness in attendance that I did not come here to make friends.You can forgive a friend for a lot-like, maybe your college pal forgot your birthday or your new mom friend flaked on your dinner plans last minute. If it all works out, maybe one of them will want to marry me and I’ll want to marry them back. I’m getting better at choosing partners with those kinds of qualities, which is all we can hope for, really-that the people who we reserve a place for in our hearts will deserve it. I want that kind of partnership too-the kind that’s fun and funny, supportive, egalitarian, stingy with judgment and generous with patience, one that allows us to both confidently grow together while simultaneously holding space for each other in times of insecurity. Look, I’m on your side: the side of love. But this whole “I’m marrying my best friend” thing has become so ubiquitous, such standard fare for the Marriage Industrial Complex Mad Libs, that there’s just no way it’s all true. Honestly, yes, that would be swell, thank you. Some of you may be thinking: Well Sable, when you meet The One, then you’ll see how they are your best friend too, you embittered hag. I wonder, what it is about wife, husband, partner, or spouse that suddenly doesn’t cut the mustard anymore? I understand that “best friend” denotes a shared joy in each other’s company and personhood, as well as a certain dynamic equity that the gendered titles historically lack, but those titles at least hold a specific distinguished hierarchy of importance in your life. But best friend? No, that seat was always taken. In the simplest terms, those exes were, for a time, my favorite person. And I’ve absolutely felt so enamored with partners of relationships past that when I’d try to describe the depths of my love, words failed me, or else felt like bad poetry. ![]() But don't get me wrong, I love when people find fulfillment and true authentic partnership in others-it fills my heart with pure, unbridled hope, giving worth to all other romantic pratfalls as if they were part of some divine plan all along. The crux of the matter is this: No one person can give you everything you’re ever going to need or want, nor can you do that for someone else-not that we’re likely to stop trying.
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